The full moon is tomorrow, which means it’s time to check in with the intention I set at the new moon – self care – and see how it’s going.
In a word? Shitty.
I’ve been experiencing enormous resistance from, well, somewhere. Not passive resistance like, “Maybe you should just take the day off from taking care of your living space,” but vicious, angry resistance like, “You are stupid, selfish, lazy, childish, irresponsible, unrealistic” and so on and so forth. After talking to my boss about getting a more consistent work schedule, I had an anxiety inducing dream that I stupidly traded in a reliable Prius for a flashy but crappily made sports car.
I even got sick. In the middle of the self care moon. When I left my mom’s house, where I met her for coffee, I was fine. After a trip to the pharmacy and a drive home, I had a fever and felt awful. (Which, I’d like to point out, is how every zombie apocalypse movie starts.)
I don’t think it’s coincidence that I got sick this month. I think I’m digging in some serious psychic shit that hasn’t been moved in many years and my body, along with my psyche, is freaking the fuck out.
This is fine. Good, actually. Have you ever started therapy for a traumatic experience only to realize that, instead of being comforted, you’ve just dug up a shit ton of anger? Often we want to get right down to the healing process without acknowledging the baggage and bullshit that’s built up over time. But it must be dealt with. That is part of the healing process.
Healing is messy, dirty, hard, sweaty work. There’s no way to do it and look pretty at the same time.
The solution? Well, there is none, but I would suggest a liberal application of grace. Grace is the grease that makes moving all that crap possible. Have grace with the people in your life who refuse to sugar coat their struggle, who are angry and tired and still hoping, somehow, to come out on the other end in one piece.
And have grace with yourself. For all the times you should have had the patience and maturity but didn’t. For the enormous amount of time and work it takes for you to heal. For when you have to ask for help for the thousandth time. Have grace.
I’m not going to put a timeline on this, but I think the May moon might also need to be a self care moon. If my psyche has that much resistance to the idea that I deserve care and support, then I’ll just give it time to get used to it.
Because I’m pretty sure both you and I have some really cool things we’re meant to do in our lifetimes that simply won’t be possible if we don’t take care of ourselves.